Searching for a life

Recently Life has taken drastic turns and thus has brought about many changes.

Firstly I have had this realization that I can't work for an employer. I mean I can't do stuff which doesn't make sense to me. So getting job in any company after I graduate is out of question now. This means there are only a few companies that appeal to me. But then most of them do no research work in their India centers. There's another option of doing a Ph.D. but it requires commitment from 3 to 5 years. But the advantage is that I get to work on the topics I want to and whenever I want to. But what after a Ph.D. Teaching... strict NO, Working for some research lab.... ya may be, starting something of my own.... ya highly probabable.... But there's also an option of starting up something right now, there's ample time and resources, but but but... I don't feel that we have the enough knowledge to go for it... I mean we have the ideas we can also make them work.... but these ideas are small... I mean putting up petty sites to capture small business doesn't work for me.... Putting up such stuff can be done at any point of time and doesn't offer that much of a technical challenge...... what I want to do is to first come up with something which brings about a substantial positive change in the lives of the people and then may be convert it into a enterprise . But then there's another side of the story too. While we are here at IIT we have got the resources, friends and support to make something work.... but on the other side it requires full commitment and sacrificing your academic life.... its pretty clear that two things can't be done at one time...
Thus there's a big big decision to be made right now..... What do you want to do... app... Then go study improve your CGPA and get some papers published..... want to startup something... minimize the classes.... work day and night to materialize your ideas.... the second option is totally opposite to the first one and I am hanging in between... right now I am at a crossroad, standing still, observing people working towards their set goals, wondering which direction to step in. Both have their pro's and con's and I’m totally perplexed about what should be done...maybe I need to talk to somebody.... but who... I don't know.....

Secondly, there’s bitwise to be organized. This involves getting a lot of work done by a lot of people. I am lucky that I am surrounded by friends who are more than willing to help, but still I am required to get the work done. It is not the work that loads me but the responsibility. But it’s Ok. I think with the help of my friends I can manage it.

Thirdly, my project has recently turned too demanding. Basically I am simulating something, which requires me to code in OTcl ( object oriented Tcl). Leave aside Object Oriented, I even don't know Tcl. Thus I have been spending days and nights to get it done... and it’s started to frustrate me now... I have an important deadline to match... Nov 1..... and in between I am going home too.. for 6 days... ufff... maa bahut kaam karna hain....

Fourthly, going home reminds me of home. I have been so busy lately that I had forgotten about home. Recently my mom called and its then I realized that I was to call her the day before....

Fifthly, there's illumination going on in the hall. I have worked off my ass in the last two years but this time I neither have the commitment neither the tempo to participate... why? mainly becuz of what happened to me last year.... I don't want to do the same to some third year, so I have quietly opted out. See I don't want to be god.... huh.... . As a result people of my batch who are actively into it, have started despising me, but then what can I do.

And Finally among all this I am required to attend classes and make assignments... :) :) , a few of them are good, but a few are really frustrating....

Thus at this point of my life I am standing at a point where every step that I take would matter and I am totally unaware of what should I do. I need to make quick decisions becuz the clock is ticking too fast....